Everybody Sexy!

There's a game show I've made up - it's called "Everybody Sexy!" It's like a combination of Survivor and American Idol. It's too radical for the United States, so I imagine it, say, in Eastern Europe.

Here's how it goes:
The host comes on, loud and hammy, and says, "Everybody Sexy!" The requisite gorgeous women in bikinis jump around.

Then you have contestants come on. Contestants on "Everybody Sexy" must be over 18. Other than that, they may come in all ages, shapes and sizes. There's a variety of things they could do, but it must be something that makes them feel sexy. They could sing a sultry number, a la Marilyn Monroe. They could model underwear from Victoria's Secret or International Male. They could do a strip tease. Anything. And if they do anything, anything at all, they win a prize. Always.

There are rules for the audience for "Everybody Sexy", and they are much stricter. To be in the audience you must have been a contestant first, so you know how it feels to be up there. Audience members may: clap, wolf whistle, give a hearty "Woo-Hoo! or "Work it, Honey!" But they must do it with complete and utmost sincerity. There will be judges circulating through the audience, like proctors for an exam. If an audience member is not completely sincere and enthusiastic for each contestant, he or she will be voted off the show. If someone laughs, and the contestant clearly did not intend his or her performance to be comic, something really bad happens. We don't talk about this, as it would spoil everyone else's good time. But it weeds out the immature and uncommitted.

Don't you want to see this? A show like this would cancel out half the suffering of junior high, all the angst of gaining a few pounds, and give hope with each birthday.

Everybody sexy!